Isn’t it awkward when the preacher yells
“RECEIVE” and you feel nothing? Then he goes into beast mode, or rather talking
in tongues and in your head you are like “what the f**k is he saying?” and it
hits you that you just used the “F” word in church and you start praying
apologetically just to get to the middle and say “ who gives a f**k”?
The way I see it, church is more like a
cage that's supposed to keep in that inner animal. And what if It doesn’t do this
for you? What if you are a lost cause and live by no rules? The guy who walks
into church an hour late as routine eyeing that back bench seat but the usher
takes your hand as usual and leads to the very front. Upon sitting you bow, not
to pray but to let the heat of your entrance die down. Then you sit up pretending
to listen to the word while you replay the funniest episode of ‘How I met your
mother.’
I recently went to church after a long long
time to try and rekindle my dead flame. To quite the contrary.
First the service coordinator asked all the
men to get off their bums and sing for the lord. What you should have said is
‘MENS FELLOWSHIP’ you fool. So all men went except me because I think I am
younger than an average man, plus I am taller than most men in our church and
didn't want God to look unjust. The lady next to me couldn't mind her business
and asked “wewe si mwanaume?” I said “hihi, niko youth!” what I meant was “why
don’t you grow a pair and do it for me u son of a…” finally the men stopped murmuring
and the coordinator once again called out YOUTH! YOUTH! *AWKWARD*
Miss none of your business said “si wewe ni
youth?” I said “why don’t you grow up like I just did!” what I meant was
“eeeh!” that shut her up.
I cooled down just in time to hear the
preacher mention something about two men visited lot in Sodom and the neighbors
wanted to rape them. WHAT! And lot said “please have my two virgin daughters
but don’t harm these men. WHAT! but luckily the men turned out to be angels and
it was all Terminator 3 in that b**ch. The odd thing though was that, it was
the Swahili service and the preacher kept calling Lot, Ruto?
Anyway there was the offering and the
treasurer did what he does. Discriminating people for giving the least to the
church other than to God. In a prayer. One word Mr. Treasurer Sir. BILLS. So I decided
to walk out of church not because I was one of those who gave little, I
actually gave nothing. The reason was because I was yawning too much. It takes
a lot to keep this guy interested.
Disappointingly enough I stood up just in
time for the preacher to call out those who felt that they should get saved.
Miss NOYB shook her head, the preacher reached out and said “sss come brother! Sss
don’t be shy!” the church applauded, the choir started reciting a hymn and I, I
walked out. *AWKWARD* but this time not for me because I know where I belong. I
am not a sheep of the shepherd, I am a wolf. An animal church can’t cage.
Written by Brian Dollar
Yo! Funny. I love church though....
ReplyDeletetx..yo! we all do ..in our different ways
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