PAGAN AND PROUD

Isn’t it awkward when the preacher yells “RECEIVE” and you feel nothing? Then he goes into beast mode, or rather talking in tongues and in your head you are like “what the f**k is he saying?” and it hits you that you just used the “F” word in church and you start praying apologetically just to get to the middle and say “ who gives a f**k”?

The way I see it, church is more like a cage that's supposed to keep in that inner animal. And what if It doesn’t do this for you? What if you are a lost cause and live by no rules? The guy who walks into church an hour late as routine eyeing that back bench seat but the usher takes your hand as usual and leads to the very front. Upon sitting you bow, not to pray but to let the heat of your entrance die down. Then you sit up pretending to listen to the word while you replay the funniest episode of ‘How I met your mother.’

I recently went to church after a long long time to try and rekindle my dead flame. To quite the contrary.

First the service coordinator asked all the men to get off their bums and sing for the lord. What you should have said is ‘MENS FELLOWSHIP’ you fool. So all men went except me because I think I am younger than an average man, plus I am taller than most men in our church and didn't want God to look unjust. The lady next to me couldn't mind her business and asked “wewe si mwanaume?” I said “hihi, niko youth!” what I meant was “why don’t you grow a pair and do it for me u son of a…” finally the men stopped murmuring and the coordinator once again called out YOUTH! YOUTH! *AWKWARD*

Miss none of your business said “si wewe ni youth?” I said “why don’t you grow up like I just did!” what I meant was “eeeh!” that shut her up.

I cooled down just in time to hear the preacher mention something about two men visited lot in Sodom and the neighbors wanted to rape them. WHAT! And lot said “please have my two virgin daughters but don’t harm these men. WHAT! but luckily the men turned out to be angels and it was all Terminator 3 in that b**ch. The odd thing though was that, it was the Swahili service and the preacher kept calling Lot, Ruto?

Anyway there was the offering and the treasurer did what he does. Discriminating people for giving the least to the church other than to God. In a prayer. One word Mr. Treasurer Sir. BILLS. So I decided to walk out of church not because I was one of those who gave little, I actually gave nothing. The reason was because I was yawning too much. It takes a lot to keep this guy interested.

Disappointingly enough I stood up just in time for the preacher to call out those who felt that they should get saved. Miss NOYB shook her head, the preacher reached out and said “sss come brother! Sss don’t be shy!” the church applauded, the choir started reciting a hymn and I, I walked out. *AWKWARD* but this time not for me because I know where I belong. I am not a sheep of the shepherd, I am a wolf. An animal church can’t cage.

                                              Written by Brian Dollar