OH SNAP!

Typical Monday morning, standing at the bus terminal chewing your tongue like a jaw breaker .why? You are 15 minutes late for work .trying to convince yourself that it’s worth it because u spent the time freshening up, ideally bursting pimples, changing ties and what not. Then that bus u loath arrives n out of habit u spit out of hate then as you follow your spit you notice that the exhaust is aimed right at your junk. The engine is still running. You start going NO! NO! NOoo! Not my junk! And the driver pulls that hypothetical trigger and Pooof! your cologne is toped up. Now you smell faintly of nivea for men, sweat and second hand diesel smoke.

U have no time to worry about that so you race to the entrance n shield anyone from entering while you wait for the passengers to alight and that’s when a familiar stench it reminds you of the day you witnessed a person being lynched to death that’s when  you notice the source. It’s a passenger’s head .Gosh! You never knew a head could smell so bad. Then the bus finally clears but you have trouble getting in. the guy to your right is elbowing you with quite some determination and the one to your left has his hand on your face with the pinky almost in one of your nostril .This old timers never learn and that’s when you use the card up your sleeve, the crackens breath. You spray them with a generous amount of your morning breath the sole reason you brush at work and not at home. One of the women cups her face and quite looks like she is crying. It worked, the people get off you and you get in and sit next to the conductor. Bad idea.

Now everybody passes by brushing their bums against you .that’s when you notice one of those slim possible kind of women coming up the steps. The conductor giggles at your effort to squeeze into his seat as he playfully resists and the inevitable happens. The woman literally wipes her a** with your face for what looks like eternity and your face loses its shine .what we call (kuparara)

Then the conductor jingles his coins as his way of saying “where my money at biaches!” you hand him a thousand shilling note. He looks at you , makes a fist and thrusts it back and forth .i understand that’s his way of saying  F U or rather ‘skumiwa’ and he disappears at the back. The bus makes a stop and in come three passengers two ladies and a barabara preacher you know the kind that hitch hikes and force fully give u the word n it aint your decision . You stand to let one of the ladies occupy the vacant conductors seat but they both go in and you are left with only enough chair to handle one of your but-cheeks but they are ladies so u sit and the preacher goes for it.

He says something about how god created all men equal with none more brilliant than other. It’s no secret that he is ruining Maina and King’ang’i in the morning but you listening going, oh yea then why was Solomon so wise huh? And the idea builds in your head from the gazzilion wives and countless concubines’ .seriously the guy was an animal.

Then you notice a commotion at the back .the conductor is arguing with a young lady. That is until she mumbled something that started with a (K) and ended with (mamako). That got all the older ladies all mashed up .and the men, the men were kinda aroused. The kodi kodi walks t the door and frantically attacks it with a large 5 shilling coin as if trying to create another flat surface and the lady walks out and you notice that that’s also your stop and you rush out too. You turn just in time to catch the conductor’s fist moving back and forth as the bus drives off and you remember. CHANGE!!!...ooooh balls!