Thursday, 15 August 2013

HOW TO RAEV IN NAI.



The time now reads 7pm on a Luo guy’s expensive time piece (I don’ know who the luo guy is.Who? Ati me?  Flattered really) cold sweat is running down the foreheads of the Worried Mothers of Nairobi.The guy with the expensive watch which half of Kenya’s population can’t afford thinks to himself moments from now how the streets are going to be the breeding ground for an evil so scary and so sinister even the Sun had to run from it. In a house somewhere still in Nairobi there’s a battle like that 300 movie, you know "This is Sparta!!’’ and all, between a mother and his teenage child about why he can’t stay out late and party like the Luo guy does so much...There’s babies crying, cups breaking on walls with high velocity impact, explosives (made of insults and provocative words, a "sufuria hii!" here a "you’re not the boss of me" there) like that Hiroshima catastrophe which the Luo guy maintains could happen again if all those sumo wrestlers fart at the same time, and I agree with him because he knows everything. Laugh away but you will remember him when it happens.
At around 2145hrs the Luo guy finds himself in the company of some fine mamas (only way he knows how fellaz, only way) minutes from now he’ll be drunk talking using subtitles and getting grinded like pepper by one or all of the fine mamas (because his cousins’ neighbors’ nephew’s father’s penpal from K’ogello said Yes he can). Lemme take you back to when he first started raeving. I was clueless back then and too drunk to notice (yes am the Luo guy, you got me). I lost quite a number of those wars I mentioned earlier but in my defense my mother only missed the cast on 300 because she made the other 299 Spartans cry (you don’t want to yell commands and kicking people into bottomless pits with an exposed bottom). Finally when I learnt how to lie I got my first raev night and I fell in love with the night (insert dramatic thunder sound.)
So for the beginners(who am sure are quite a few) out there,here are a few pointers.Know why you want to do it, you wouldn’t want to get caught and get your butt smacked inside out (assuming you are not of legal age) using something that you never not once pictured being smacked by for a reason like my friends do it too.
Also its good to have some extra cash, aside from what you plan on spending, for emergencies; Nairobi’s finest blue uniforms hustling guys without I.D's.To get a cab in case your too drunk to jav home alone, or for the fellaz if the booze gets you somewhere near Jeevanjee window shopping and you wanna touch (what, do I have to wink for you to get it? Try and keep up because I have to be discreet for the editor and all). As for me I keep my emergency cash in my expensive shoes or rather, expensive socks.
Don’t forget to know your music taste also. You don’t want to get yourself stuck in a club with music you don’t like so know what music is playing where. However with the right amount of alcohol you won’t really notice, any music is good music.
Learn how to dance. If you can’t talk to me. I have over the years perfected the "stand by the speakers and nod your head to the beat".
Wear something comfortable also. A tee shirt, shorts, a jacket or sweater for the cold, flats for the ladies are recommended. Wear something that allows you to move freely. Here’s a universal test for the ladies conducted and recommended by professionals. While wearing what you intend to raev with, shift your upper body to make an acute angle with your torso such that the tip of your fingers graze the floor. If your outfit tears, change it. (I bet you didn’t notice how perverted that was)
Try not to be too shy. It’s your first time and all but it won’t kill you to loosen up a bit dance a little talk to people who don’t look like serial killers from an Afrocinema flick. Alcohol can help with this however don’t feel obligated to drink if you don’t want to you can still have a good time.
Lastly and I can’t stress this enough, please make an effort to SHOWER! Good luck!
(Drops microphone and exists)

BONKERZ.

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