HAS ROME ACTUALLY FALLEN?

To be honest, it’s just too early to call. Yes all arrows point to prove the case, but do you really think that it will eventually fall, ending a close to 20 year reign?

The new ‘emperor’ Moyes has a lot of work to do, and a lot of tricks to pull up off his sleeves. The season has started poorly, but hasn’t Chelsea and Manchester City had the same poor start?

Give the new boss time to ensure the empire runs as he wants and he just might, only just, blow away any doubts that may be lingering in your thoughts.

"..your job now is to stand by the new manager.."

Look at it this way, he’s lost to Liverpool, Manchester City and West Bromwich Albion (history comes back to haunt, we know that. WBA hadn’t won a game in over 20yrs against manutd) not easy games. All he needs to do is have a long, long winning run to prove plaudits wrong. Not easy, but it has to be done.

So give the guy time. And remember what your legendary manager told you. Stand by his words!

I still stand by my prediction either way; Chelsea will win this year’s title. I feel Jose is playing his cards right. He’s got points from very tough away games (Manchester united and Tottenham hotspurs).

But the season is young, let’s watch and see how it all unravels.

TheGuru

THE EPITOME OF THE BEAUTIFUL GAME!

It feels good to write again in this column after a two month hiatus…Well, this week I’ll try to be a bit patriotic and write about our very own football, kenyan football for they say charity begins at home.

When you compare local football during the 70’s,80’s and now, obviously there is a huge comparison. The development has somehow been bitter-sweet, in the sense that, during its early days, it commanded a large following  and  community based clubs were more in the premier league as compared to now, the national team was also a force to reckon in Africa, unlike now.

In my view, the only amelioration is that the league now enjoys corporate sponsorship and thanks to SuperSport, the matches are aired live across the continent.

However, even with the sponsorship and endorsements, save for Gor Mahia and AFC and maybe to some extent Sofapaka,  the other clubs in the top flight cannot be identified with their fans.Simply put, the teams cannot fill their home grounds with atleast 1500 fans, unless they are playing against Gor or AFC, and even if they are playing against Kenya’s big two, it will be the fans of K’ogalo and Ingwe who will fill the stadia, regardless of whether they are home and away.

This can be attested as a result of preference to European Leagues by Kenyans, corruption by the upper echelons of the federation, lackluster performance of the national team and most NOTABLY the less number of community based teams.

It is crystal clear that the avid Kenyan football fan, myself included, would find it boring to go and watch a match pitting , say Agro Chemicals versus KRA or Sony Sugar against KCB. To be honest it does look like more of a corporate social responsibility charity match rather than a league match! These are company clubs and thus cannot draw die hard fans, fans who have grown up supporting such a club and even so, there can’t be any rivalry amongst these clubs. Maybe in the business sector but not on the pitch.

Even in Europe, for example in England, the premier league would not be attractive as it is now, if it had such as Tesco, Barclays Bank and Burger King, going head to head with the likes of Arsenal, Man United and Liverpool.

The point am trying to drive home is that fans would be more in the stadia,and also the local banter and rivalry would be more intense and enticing if say, there was a Lang’ata derby pitting Karen FC versus Kibera  All Stars or even a showdown of  Eastlands against Westlands when Jericho FC were up against Kileleshwa United. With all kind of that, I think the local scene would be more competent as fans would relate with their hometown teams and embrace the league as their own with pride, instead of substituting it with Europe. But as of now, we have to do with the influx of Company-based teams.

By Anthony Njoroge

LOVE-THIEVES!

Making  a move  on your friend  is downright  unacceptable. I may  fully aware  of the  phrase  that  goes “Am not jealous ,but  what  is mine  is mine”  I  seriously  believe  in what is mine  and  what  I should  own. I  believe in owning  what I should  because  I searched for  it while  you  were  busy  doing ‘other  things. ‘  It is all about  emotional  bruising. Both men and women  cheat  on their  partners  with  their best  friends. There are very many  women that  have  lost their men to their  closest  friends and this  may be due  to what  women  discuss  about  their  men  to their friends. Most ladies  tend  to floss  and brag  to their  closest  female  friends the ability  of their  men like  a good  example  how  good  they are in the bedroom ,this makes  their friend  feel  that  you are so lucky  to have  a man like that  thus jealousy  develops.

 This friend will steal  your partner  just to confirm how   good he is to you. This will leave  you nursing  an emotional  bruise  from  a friend  you considered  a sister. The  weird thing is  that  those who  snatch  their   friend’s men   wouldn’t  want  their  men snatched  from them. Men do not  find  a problem   dating  their  best  friend’s girlfriend but  women view this  as  a height of betrayal.

                                                                                                                                  by Janet Anguche.

NEVER MISS A WORD!

             August is finally here,a clear indication that we are just about to kiss another year goodbye. Days are sure moving very fast but despite that human beings have not been left behind on technological advancements. Ever sat down in a class and wanted to walk out but cannot maybe due to the fact the lecturer is a no-nonsense one or you are one shy and courteous person raised very well by your parents knowing very well that it is rude to walk out on someone? Maybe the lecture is one boring one or you are so sleepy or maybe you can't comprehend a simple thing the lecturer is saying. You have a reason to smile because now technology has provided a solution to this courtesy of the livescribe echo smartpen.

It is a just a normal pen and even on the face of it you wouldn't be able to tell the amazing things it can do. The pen can record conversations of about 400 to 800 hours and you can share them your computer or i-Pad via USB cable which is also used to charge the pen. Therefore  you don't really have to be there to write notes in class, the echo Smartpen can do this for you. Don't be very happy now that you have found a way out to miss all the lectures you must attend them all sadly but the 'Livescribe Echo Smartpen' will make your life easier as you will Never miss a word.

HOW TO RAEV IN NAI.

The time now reads 7pm on a Luo guy’s expensive time piece (I don’ know who the luo guy is.Who? Ati me?  Flattered really) cold sweat is running down the foreheads of the Worried Mothers of Nairobi.The guy with the expensive watch which half of Kenya’s population can’t afford thinks to himself moments from now how the streets are going to be the breeding ground for an evil so scary and so sinister even the Sun had to run from it. In a house somewhere still in Nairobi there’s a battle like that 300 movie, you know "This is Sparta!!’’ and all, between a mother and his teenage child about why he can’t stay out late and party like the Luo guy does so much...There’s babies crying, cups breaking on walls with high velocity impact, explosives (made of insults and provocative words, a "sufuria hii!" here a "you’re not the boss of me" there) like that Hiroshima catastrophe which the Luo guy maintains could happen again if all those sumo wrestlers fart at the same time, and I agree with him because he knows everything. Laugh away but you will remember him when it happens.

At around 2145hrs the Luo guy finds himself in the company of some fine mamas (only way he knows how fellaz, only way) minutes from now he’ll be drunk talking using subtitles and getting grinded like pepper by one or all of the fine mamas (because his cousins’ neighbors’ nephew’s father’s penpal from K’ogello said Yes he can). Lemme take you back to when he first started raeving. I was clueless back then and too drunk to notice (yes am the Luo guy, you got me). I lost quite a number of those wars I mentioned earlier but in my defense my mother only missed the cast on 300 because she made the other 299 Spartans cry (you don’t want to yell commands and kicking people into bottomless pits with an exposed bottom). Finally when I learnt how to lie I got my first raev night and I fell in love with the night (insert dramatic thunder sound.)

So for the beginners(who am sure are quite a few) out there,here are a few pointers.Know why you want to do it, you wouldn’t want to get caught and get your butt smacked inside out (assuming you are not of legal age) using something that you never not once pictured being smacked by for a reason like my friends do it too.

Also its good to have some extra cash, aside from what you plan on spending, for emergencies; Nairobi’s finest blue uniforms hustling guys without I.D's.To get a cab in case your too drunk to jav home alone, or for the fellaz if the booze gets you somewhere near Jeevanjee window shopping and you wanna touch (what, do I have to wink for you to get it? Try and keep up because I have to be discreet for the editor and all). As for me I keep my emergency cash in my expensive shoes or rather, expensive socks.

Don’t forget to know your music taste also. You don’t want to get yourself stuck in a club with music you don’t like so know what music is playing where. However with the right amount of alcohol you won’t really notice, any music is good music.

Learn how to dance. If you can’t talk to me. I have over the years perfected the "stand by the speakers and nod your head to the beat".

Wear something comfortable also. A tee shirt, shorts, a jacket or sweater for the cold, flats for the ladies are recommended. Wear something that allows you to move freely. Here’s a universal test for the ladies conducted and recommended by professionals. While wearing what you intend to raev with, shift your upper body to make an acute angle with your torso such that the tip of your fingers graze the floor. If your outfit tears, change it. (I bet you didn’t notice how perverted that was)

Try not to be too shy. It’s your first time and all but it won’t kill you to loosen up a bit dance a little talk to people who don’t look like serial killers from an Afrocinema flick. Alcohol can help with this however don’t feel obligated to drink if you don’t want to you can still have a good time.

Lastly and I can’t stress this enough, please make an effort to SHOWER! Good luck!

(Drops microphone and exists)

BONKERZ.

OH SNAP!

Typical Monday morning, standing at the bus terminal chewing your tongue like a jaw breaker .why? You are 15 minutes late for work .trying to convince yourself that it’s worth it because u spent the time freshening up, ideally bursting pimples, changing ties and what not. Then that bus u loath arrives n out of habit u spit out of hate then as you follow your spit you notice that the exhaust is aimed right at your junk. The engine is still running. You start going NO! NO! NOoo! Not my junk! And the driver pulls that hypothetical trigger and Pooof! your cologne is toped up. Now you smell faintly of nivea for men, sweat and second hand diesel smoke.

U have no time to worry about that so you race to the entrance n shield anyone from entering while you wait for the passengers to alight and that’s when a familiar stench it reminds you of the day you witnessed a person being lynched to death that’s when  you notice the source. It’s a passenger’s head .Gosh! You never knew a head could smell so bad. Then the bus finally clears but you have trouble getting in. the guy to your right is elbowing you with quite some determination and the one to your left has his hand on your face with the pinky almost in one of your nostril .This old timers never learn and that’s when you use the card up your sleeve, the crackens breath. You spray them with a generous amount of your morning breath the sole reason you brush at work and not at home. One of the women cups her face and quite looks like she is crying. It worked, the people get off you and you get in and sit next to the conductor. Bad idea.

Now everybody passes by brushing their bums against you .that’s when you notice one of those slim possible kind of women coming up the steps. The conductor giggles at your effort to squeeze into his seat as he playfully resists and the inevitable happens. The woman literally wipes her a** with your face for what looks like eternity and your face loses its shine .what we call (kuparara)

Then the conductor jingles his coins as his way of saying “where my money at biaches!” you hand him a thousand shilling note. He looks at you , makes a fist and thrusts it back and forth .i understand that’s his way of saying  F U or rather ‘skumiwa’ and he disappears at the back. The bus makes a stop and in come three passengers two ladies and a barabara preacher you know the kind that hitch hikes and force fully give u the word n it aint your decision . You stand to let one of the ladies occupy the vacant conductors seat but they both go in and you are left with only enough chair to handle one of your but-cheeks but they are ladies so u sit and the preacher goes for it.

He says something about how god created all men equal with none more brilliant than other. It’s no secret that he is ruining Maina and King’ang’i in the morning but you listening going, oh yea then why was Solomon so wise huh? And the idea builds in your head from the gazzilion wives and countless concubines’ .seriously the guy was an animal.

Then you notice a commotion at the back .the conductor is arguing with a young lady. That is until she mumbled something that started with a (K) and ended with (mamako). That got all the older ladies all mashed up .and the men, the men were kinda aroused. The kodi kodi walks t the door and frantically attacks it with a large 5 shilling coin as if trying to create another flat surface and the lady walks out and you notice that that’s also your stop and you rush out too. You turn just in time to catch the conductor’s fist moving back and forth as the bus drives off and you remember. CHANGE!!!...ooooh balls!