The time now reads 7pm on a Luo guy’s expensive time piece
(I don’ know who the luo guy is.Who? Ati me?
Flattered really) cold sweat is running down the foreheads of the
Worried Mothers of Nairobi.The guy with the expensive watch which half of Kenya’s population
can’t afford thinks to himself moments from now how the streets are going to be the
breeding ground for an evil so scary and so sinister even the Sun had to run
from it. In a house somewhere still in Nairobi there’s a battle like that 300
movie, you know "This is Sparta!!’’ and all, between a mother and his teenage
child about why he can’t stay out late and party like the Luo guy does so much...There’s babies crying, cups breaking on walls with high velocity impact,
explosives (made of insults and provocative words, a "sufuria hii!" here a "you’re
not the boss of me" there) like that Hiroshima catastrophe which the Luo guy
maintains could happen again if all those sumo wrestlers fart at the same time,
and I agree with him because he knows everything. Laugh away but you will
remember him when it happens.
At around 2145hrs the Luo guy finds himself in the company
of some fine mamas (only way he knows how fellaz, only way)
minutes from now he’ll be drunk talking using subtitles and getting grinded
like pepper by one or all of the fine mamas (because his cousins’ neighbors’
nephew’s father’s penpal from K’ogello said Yes he can). Lemme take you back to
when he first started raeving. I was clueless back then and too drunk to notice
(yes am the Luo guy, you got me). I lost quite a number of those wars I
mentioned earlier but in my defense my mother only missed the cast on 300
because she made the other 299 Spartans cry (you don’t want to yell commands
and kicking people into bottomless pits with an exposed bottom). Finally when I
learnt how to lie I got my first raev night and I fell in love with the night
(insert dramatic thunder sound.)
So for the beginners(who am sure are quite a few) out there,here are a few pointers.Know why you want to do it, you wouldn’t want to get caught and get
your butt smacked inside out (assuming you are not of legal age) using
something that you never not once pictured being smacked by for a reason like
my friends do it too.
Also its good to have some extra cash, aside from what you
plan on spending, for emergencies; Nairobi’s finest blue uniforms hustling guys
without I.D's.To get a cab in case your too drunk to jav home alone, or for the
fellaz if the booze gets you somewhere near Jeevanjee window shopping and you
wanna touch (what, do I have to wink for you to get it? Try and keep up because
I have to be discreet for the editor and all). As for me I keep my emergency
cash in my expensive shoes or rather, expensive socks.
Don’t forget to know your music taste also. You don’t want
to get yourself stuck in a club with music you don’t like so know what music is
playing where. However with the right amount of alcohol you won’t really
notice, any music is good music.
Learn how to dance. If you can’t talk to me. I have over the
years perfected the "stand by the speakers and nod your head to the beat".
Wear something comfortable also. A tee shirt, shorts, a
jacket or sweater for the cold, flats for the ladies are recommended. Wear
something that allows you to move freely. Here’s a universal test for the
ladies conducted and recommended by professionals. While wearing what you
intend to raev with, shift your upper body to make an acute angle with your
torso such that the tip of your fingers graze the floor. If your outfit tears, change
it. (I bet you didn’t notice how perverted that was)
Try not to be too shy. It’s your first time and all but it
won’t kill you to loosen up a bit dance a little talk to people who don’t look
like serial killers from an Afrocinema flick. Alcohol can help with this however
don’t feel obligated to drink if you don’t want to you can still have a good
time.
Lastly and I can’t stress this enough, please make an effort
to SHOWER! Good luck!
BONKERZ.
